And yet another time…..

On the morning of April 11^th, when I was 10dp3dt, I decided to POAS. I got a negative, and of course that made me super nervous and anxious. I wished I hadn’t POAS-d. But then, I had God help me with the decision. On 2 small pieces of paper, I wrote down ‘Test’, ‘Don’t Test’ and picked up one chit from our prayer room…. It asked me to test… I couldn’t give up. I just prayed for a beta to work with, even if it was the minimum required i.e 5. I felt like this would be it, this was our month. That everything would fall in place and I would begin my 29^th B’day as a pregnant woman.

On the 13^th, I went early in the am to give blood for my beta. Most of my symptoms had gone away, but yet I felt hopeful. I spent all morning in anxiety.  The RE called us 5 mins to 1 pm to tell me that my beta was 0. Of course I was upset…but not heartbroken like the last time. The bigger prob is the RE doesn’t know why or what? She said,’ everything seemed perfect, mabbe its just bad luck?!’ n that scares me. I alwez get scared when everything looks good ‘coz unless the result is positive, it leaves u with nothing to work with. That’s where we are now.

But this time…I am not questioning why us. I have handled it a lot better. I told my ma, who had no idea that we were going thru’ another cycle and she just asked me to not lose hope. To give it a break for a while and try on our own. N that’s our decision too. Atleast for a while, we plan to try to conceive like  a normal couple. Mabbe we’ll get lucky n be the ones to share a miracle? Worst case…after a few months, we may do another cycle in India. Nothing decided for sure yet. For now we’ll take our time and just enjoy making love. I know God has a plan for us. I just pray that we have the strength and courage and faith to let the plan happen.

The Progress so far

Okay I haven’t written much…’coz honestly I haven’t got too much to whine about.

Well the update on my last post is that my meds from ivfmeds reached me about 5 days late, finally! They were a source of tension. But finalllieee, I got them and they let me return the meds that I could not use due to the delay in delivery. So I got some money back. Doesn’t matter all that much anymore. Moral of the lesson is that unless one has lots of time (3-4 weeks) before they need the meds, they shouldn’t order them from ivfmeds.

Then stims went well. Much better than last cycle. So well, that they had to reduce my dosage. I triggered on 3/27 and so 3/28, the DH’s B’day was a needle free day. We had our ER on 3/29 and we got 21 eggs of which 16 were mature.. sooooooooooo much better than last time.

Per our Fert report on day 1 after ER 8 of the 16 fertilized. A li’l concerned ‘coz yet only 50% of the eggs fertilized. N then on day 2 after ER…we had only 5 embabies. One grade D and the rest grade B. Decided it will be a day 3 transfer. So our transfer on 4/1 went very very well (touchwood!). 3 embabies were transferred. N I felt super bloated!

4/2, Saturday was the cricket world cup finals. 2 friends came over home and they pampered me..Actually the DH and me by cookin awesome B’fast, lunch n dinner for us. The match was super, India Won. The perfect way to spend the day in couch-rest ! I rested very well.

Now..I’m just waiting..and well praying. My body is doing well for the most part. Just keep getting a backache but even that’s become lesser since yester and I hope that’s a good sign! N of course I struggle to button my pants. I have to start exercising soon.

Our 1^st beta is on 4/13...a day before the Tamil New Year... I hope we get a beautiful start ! Very eager…I feel like everything is going right this time but I’m too scared of being overly optimistic. I bought a 3-pack HPT and may poas on Monday (4/11), 2 days before my beta!

Fingers n toes crossed!

I'm so mad at ivfmeds

So,  I discovered this site, ivfmeds(dot)com when we planned for our 2nd ivf and was thrilled to see that the prices of the meds were a lot lesser than walgreens or freedom pharmacy.I ordered my bravelle and menopur from them. The meds were suppose to have reached me on 3/17 and have not yet reached me. I have had to place last minute order for my meds from walgreens and this has cost me a fortune. I even had to pay extra for overnight shipment. Initially i ordered meds for just 3 days from walgreens and that cost me close to $1000. Looks like my shipment from ivfmeds has gotten lost and i can't have hope of it reaching me anytime soon, so i'm going to have to order my other meds as well from walgreen. Plan to wait till Monday noon and then make the decision.

I have been calling ivfmeds as the link they provide for tracking has displayed the msg "ur order is being prepared for shipment" since the day they told me it has been dispatched i.e 3/5. The customer support person was insensitive enough to tell me he has no better option than asking me to either cancel this cycle, as even if they resent my meds by speed post..they could do it only on monday and it would be arnd 3/26 by when it will reach me. I am so mad at them! It will almost be time for my ER oin 3/26..what should i do with these meds then?  He thinks he is being very kind to me by telling me that i can return their meds if it arrives and they will then refund my money to me.

I am so upset and have been so stressed. Really think its a waste of energy on such a thing at such a time. I donno how to get my money back from them. We hadn't budgeted for these kinda expenses and you all u'stand how expensive ivf can get when we pay out of pocket for everything. I realllie hope that all this is worth it and this cycle is a success. I want beautiful twins!

on another note i've started stimming. Shots are goin better this time compared to the 1st cycle...they are not that painful! touchwood...hope the next few weeks fly by !

Schedule!!!

Woooow! So finally I got the schedule for my 2^nd ivf. I’ve been on BCP since 2/6 and earlier this week Nicole called me with my schedule

3/14 : Last BPC

3/16 : 10 units of lupron in the am and pm

3/16: Baseline Visit

3/18 : 2 vials of bravelle and menopur

3/23 : 1^st U/S

3/25 :  2^nd U/S

ER : weekend of 3/28

This time around I have been strangely uninvolved and calm. Not getting anxious and impatient like the last time. I am not loggin into the forum much and I guess one of the reasons for that is that I’ve been super super busy at work. Been wanting to write on my blogs though, and I hvn’t found the time. Today I am at home as I’m down with fever and so , seizing the opportunity to update my blog.

Hmm..also, we ordered meds thru’ ivfmeds and we are saving over 1000 bucks! How nice is that. Wonder why our nurse didn’t tell us about this option during the 1^st cycle.

28^th is DH’s b’day…I have fingers and toes crossed for it to be a special one..memorable…it will be for sure!

Getting a glimpse of the future

I have this thing for astrologers/psychics...Well, that lot. I don’t take what they say super seriously and let it influence how I live my life but yet I get curious hearing what they have to say. My grand-dad is an astrologer, so obviously there is that influence and then in the past I have come across several people with the talent of being able to look into the future and what they have said has come true for me. In my regular blog I’ve even written about my visit to the cup vision lady, Ms Nawal Gani.

Anyways, so of course, given how clueless and helpless I was feeling after the 1st ivf cycle that failed, I resorted to getting an appointment with a psychic. I had heard about her from a friend and wanted to know what she has to say. In a nutshell, the session was was…hmmm…interesting.

   So first she said…if I haven’t already been doing a lot of introspection, reviewing of the past etc... I will be doing so in the near future. She said it’s a good thing and to not stop myself from introspecting.

   Next she said I am overly analytical, critical and judgmental of myself n I really should stop that.  She said I have never been a child and that I should let loose, and not be so serious. I should indulge myself more and be more spontaneous.

Then she asked me if I’m expecting any kind of change next year. I told her that we are trying to have a baby and are having issues with it and asked if that implied change. She said yes. So we kinda spoke about that at length.

She said as a mother one has to know how to nurture a child and to be able to do that one should know to nurture themselves. But apparently, I never have. I believe I was born with a lot of baggage and so didn’t nurture myself as a child.

She told me to remember that there is no good and bad, strictly in that sense. God doesn’t classify things that way. And to realize that there is God in each one of us, he is not external and so I won’t get answers to some of my Qs I have for god ( I had ALWEZ believed that I am going thru this trauma ‘coz I must have committed some sin in the past n keep asking god to give me a hint of what that sin was, so I can apologize for it)

She told me that in my past life I was a mother of 2 girls. My girls were snatched from me ‘coz they were considered of no value. She said they were killed b’coz of that. n I haven’t yet forgiven the world for that. I yet seek to avenge that. She told me I HAVE to forgive to be able to have a baby of my own. (Is it mere coincidence that since when I was mabbe 13, I have wished to have 2 li’l girls just like my sis and myself?). She said that past life experience is why I have been so serious all my life. That I yet hurt for my 2 girls, In fact, I never stopped hurting for them.

To digress...I don’t know how many of you believe in past lives and reincarnations. For a long time I was very unsure about it, but I got to read ‘Many Masters and Many Lives’ by Dr Brian Wess a few years back and that book left a very lasting impression on me. Now, I’m convinced there is past life. I’m scared but curious to discover my past life.

She said it’s very important for me to stop feeling guilty. It wasn’t my fault that my babies were killed nor is it my fault that I’m not having a baby in this life. It’s taking this much time, only b’coz I have to be prepared for the role. She said she definitely sees a child in my life. I asked her if it’ll happen naturally or medically...She replied “how does it matter”..I had to agree. I’m thankful she said that to me.  

She said to start with being kind and good to myself. She said she sees a window of opportunity, from Feb for 6 months, for the change. I do not believe it blindly. But yet I’m excited and hopeful and looking forward to next year.

Finally I told her “Everyone says ‘Don’t stress’. How does one not stress? Personally, I have never felt that I have not had fun in my life or not indulged myself or like I have sacrificed a lot. How do I actively nurture myself?”     She refereed me to a few links on youtube in response.

   Honestly, I don’t think she could answer my Q. I guess it has to come from within. Therein is the challenge.  I don’t know how to do what I should be doing.. But we’ll give it a short!

Looking forward to what is to come.

Wish all of you a Merry Christmas, a Fabulous 2011 and a great Holiday Season!

The Never Ending Story!

12/1/2010

For a while I’ve known that I can’t pin down a date when the ivf story, well, our ivf story, began and now I’ve realized that it will probably be hard to call out one date as the end of our ivf story.

Should I consider the beginning as the end of Jan 2010, when we made a random appointment to let our gynec know that we are trying for a baby? She explained the steps about us trying for about 6 months and if we don’t succeed, getting infertility tests etc etc…I cried like a baby at that appointment, enough to shock the hubby and the doc...I guess my heart knew that there was trouble brewing?

    Or is the beginning May 7^th, when we went to the hospital to have our fertility tests run? Is that why I was so upset and snapping at V for no reason on my b’day. Did I see this coming?

    Or is the beginning, 2 days later, when we got our reports which conveyed what our hearts knew, that we indeed had fertility issues?

    Or the repeated test that confirmed the issue and so being referred to an ivf-specialist?

    Or seeing the new doc in June and hearing that our options were: Adoption or ivf or iui.

    Or when they repeated the tests at the end of Aug?

    Or when they confirmed that ivf is the best (only?) option for us in September?

    Or when I started the meds towards end of sep. with waits every now n then. With Nov being the most torturous month…endless injections up until Nov 16^th, which was the date of retrieval. Followed by:

       Bad news on the 17^th: We were told that only 6 of our 12 follicles yielded mature eggs and Only 3 of the 6 eggs fertilized

      Nov 18^th, more bad news: Only 2 of the 3 embryos survived, Grade D, didn’t look like we could expect a transfer. We are heart-broken.

      Nov 19^th…Feels like a miracle has occurred: 1 embryo survives. We transfer it into me.

       The dreaded wait. I don’t feel any symptoms except very occasional pain in the pelvic area, back & thighs and constant red blood spotting.

   Nov 27^th: 1^st HPT @ 9dp3dt – negative result

   Dec 1^st: Beta, Negative result confirmed.

N of course, at this point…we realize there is no end to this. That one can never be sure of the baby one has been hoping for until we get to hold him/her in our arms. N even then there’ll be the fear for him/her to be fine, to have no health issues. It’s going to be hard for us to be like one of the regular couples who enjoy and celebrate pregnancy. God knows when we will get pregnant and if it will stay for 40 weeks.

It scares me. Never, not in my worst nightmares, had I imagined that we would go thru this, n that too more than once. Guess, no one prepares for such stuff.

I’ve always believed that Everything Happens for the Best and for a good reason. I’m finding it hard to continue to have faith in such a belief. What possible good can come of this?

Last night I watched ‘Cnn heroes” hoping that it’ll remind me that I have plenty to be thankful for... But no, that thought didn’t occur to me… my thought was/is “what’s God thinking?”...Why does he trouble some people so much? Whereas people who have obviously wronged (I’m not saying I haven’t wronged…I just feel I and certain others haven’t wronged enough to be punished to the extent that we are) get away leading a great life, having a beautiful family, committing their sins and asking for forgivance(I know that’s not a word) only to commit the same sins again.

 I feel it’s unfair that so many irresponsible people across the world end up having babies, when they don’t even know how to take care of the li’l one. But we and couples like us, have to struggle so much. I mean why should God make us go thru’ this.

My ma has been onboard with all that’s happening so far. But I feel it’s unfair to put her thru’ this. Even though she is performing her role wonderfully and being such a source of encouragement for us and not sounding the least bit worried, at the end of the day she is a ma…she must be so concerned. To hear me sob on the phone must break her heart. So I guess I should stop telling her. It’s just that this journey is so lonely, with no one talk to,  no one to share your feelings with, no one to offer you kind words of encouragement and moral support. No one to tell you why you should hang on. But I should not make my parents go thru’ this, they don’t deserve this.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been thinking it if would be easier to ask God to take us away, instead of having to go thru this struggle.

God knows what’s in store for us. I feel silly to yet have hope, but I figure there is nothing else to hold on to at this point.

To My Unborn Child

5/20/10

Hmm I’m sure your thinking how crazy your ma must have been (and continues to be?) to write a note to a child that wasn’t even conceived yet, forget being born.

Well I hope that one day you get to read this letter and I’m able to laugh at everything that I cry about today and shake my head in disbelief that I thot this agony wasn’t something that I or your dad could live thru’.

So what’s all the fuss about? You wonder.  Well dear your taking forever to come. I don’t even know if you will come at this point and that is breaking my heart.

I want to let you know that Pa n I love you. Yes, the unborn you. We have craved for you and want you so badly that whoever you are and whatever you do, I’m sure we will love you. We may disagree and fight over certain choices you make in life, but all that is ‘coz we love you and want the best for you.

So darling, why are you taking forever to come to us? Is it ‘coz you don’t yet think that we will make good parents? Is it ‘coz you don’t think you’ll feel secure in my womb? Actually mabbe I know why…its coz I am so particular that I want a girl? Correct?