The Never Ending Story!

12/1/2010

For a while I’ve known that I can’t pin down a date when the ivf story, well, our ivf story, began and now I’ve realized that it will probably be hard to call out one date as the end of our ivf story.

Should I consider the beginning as the end of Jan 2010, when we made a random appointment to let our gynec know that we are trying for a baby? She explained the steps about us trying for about 6 months and if we don’t succeed, getting infertility tests etc etc…I cried like a baby at that appointment, enough to shock the hubby and the doc...I guess my heart knew that there was trouble brewing?

    Or is the beginning May 7^th, when we went to the hospital to have our fertility tests run? Is that why I was so upset and snapping at V for no reason on my b’day. Did I see this coming?

    Or is the beginning, 2 days later, when we got our reports which conveyed what our hearts knew, that we indeed had fertility issues?

    Or the repeated test that confirmed the issue and so being referred to an ivf-specialist?

    Or seeing the new doc in June and hearing that our options were: Adoption or ivf or iui.

    Or when they repeated the tests at the end of Aug?

    Or when they confirmed that ivf is the best (only?) option for us in September?

    Or when I started the meds towards end of sep. with waits every now n then. With Nov being the most torturous month…endless injections up until Nov 16^th, which was the date of retrieval. Followed by:

       Bad news on the 17^th: We were told that only 6 of our 12 follicles yielded mature eggs and Only 3 of the 6 eggs fertilized

      Nov 18^th, more bad news: Only 2 of the 3 embryos survived, Grade D, didn’t look like we could expect a transfer. We are heart-broken.

      Nov 19^th…Feels like a miracle has occurred: 1 embryo survives. We transfer it into me.

       The dreaded wait. I don’t feel any symptoms except very occasional pain in the pelvic area, back & thighs and constant red blood spotting.

   Nov 27^th: 1^st HPT @ 9dp3dt – negative result

   Dec 1^st: Beta, Negative result confirmed.

N of course, at this point…we realize there is no end to this. That one can never be sure of the baby one has been hoping for until we get to hold him/her in our arms. N even then there’ll be the fear for him/her to be fine, to have no health issues. It’s going to be hard for us to be like one of the regular couples who enjoy and celebrate pregnancy. God knows when we will get pregnant and if it will stay for 40 weeks.

It scares me. Never, not in my worst nightmares, had I imagined that we would go thru this, n that too more than once. Guess, no one prepares for such stuff.

I’ve always believed that Everything Happens for the Best and for a good reason. I’m finding it hard to continue to have faith in such a belief. What possible good can come of this?

Last night I watched ‘Cnn heroes” hoping that it’ll remind me that I have plenty to be thankful for... But no, that thought didn’t occur to me… my thought was/is “what’s God thinking?”...Why does he trouble some people so much? Whereas people who have obviously wronged (I’m not saying I haven’t wronged…I just feel I and certain others haven’t wronged enough to be punished to the extent that we are) get away leading a great life, having a beautiful family, committing their sins and asking for forgivance(I know that’s not a word) only to commit the same sins again.

 I feel it’s unfair that so many irresponsible people across the world end up having babies, when they don’t even know how to take care of the li’l one. But we and couples like us, have to struggle so much. I mean why should God make us go thru’ this.

My ma has been onboard with all that’s happening so far. But I feel it’s unfair to put her thru’ this. Even though she is performing her role wonderfully and being such a source of encouragement for us and not sounding the least bit worried, at the end of the day she is a ma…she must be so concerned. To hear me sob on the phone must break her heart. So I guess I should stop telling her. It’s just that this journey is so lonely, with no one talk to,  no one to share your feelings with, no one to offer you kind words of encouragement and moral support. No one to tell you why you should hang on. But I should not make my parents go thru’ this, they don’t deserve this.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been thinking it if would be easier to ask God to take us away, instead of having to go thru this struggle.

God knows what’s in store for us. I feel silly to yet have hope, but I figure there is nothing else to hold on to at this point.