Getting a glimpse of the future

I have this thing for astrologers/psychics...Well, that lot. I don’t take what they say super seriously and let it influence how I live my life but yet I get curious hearing what they have to say. My grand-dad is an astrologer, so obviously there is that influence and then in the past I have come across several people with the talent of being able to look into the future and what they have said has come true for me. In my regular blog I’ve even written about my visit to the cup vision lady, Ms Nawal Gani.

Anyways, so of course, given how clueless and helpless I was feeling after the 1st ivf cycle that failed, I resorted to getting an appointment with a psychic. I had heard about her from a friend and wanted to know what she has to say. In a nutshell, the session was was…hmmm…interesting.

   So first she said…if I haven’t already been doing a lot of introspection, reviewing of the past etc... I will be doing so in the near future. She said it’s a good thing and to not stop myself from introspecting.

   Next she said I am overly analytical, critical and judgmental of myself n I really should stop that.  She said I have never been a child and that I should let loose, and not be so serious. I should indulge myself more and be more spontaneous.

Then she asked me if I’m expecting any kind of change next year. I told her that we are trying to have a baby and are having issues with it and asked if that implied change. She said yes. So we kinda spoke about that at length.

She said as a mother one has to know how to nurture a child and to be able to do that one should know to nurture themselves. But apparently, I never have. I believe I was born with a lot of baggage and so didn’t nurture myself as a child.

She told me to remember that there is no good and bad, strictly in that sense. God doesn’t classify things that way. And to realize that there is God in each one of us, he is not external and so I won’t get answers to some of my Qs I have for god ( I had ALWEZ believed that I am going thru this trauma ‘coz I must have committed some sin in the past n keep asking god to give me a hint of what that sin was, so I can apologize for it)

She told me that in my past life I was a mother of 2 girls. My girls were snatched from me ‘coz they were considered of no value. She said they were killed b’coz of that. n I haven’t yet forgiven the world for that. I yet seek to avenge that. She told me I HAVE to forgive to be able to have a baby of my own. (Is it mere coincidence that since when I was mabbe 13, I have wished to have 2 li’l girls just like my sis and myself?). She said that past life experience is why I have been so serious all my life. That I yet hurt for my 2 girls, In fact, I never stopped hurting for them.

To digress...I don’t know how many of you believe in past lives and reincarnations. For a long time I was very unsure about it, but I got to read ‘Many Masters and Many Lives’ by Dr Brian Wess a few years back and that book left a very lasting impression on me. Now, I’m convinced there is past life. I’m scared but curious to discover my past life.

She said it’s very important for me to stop feeling guilty. It wasn’t my fault that my babies were killed nor is it my fault that I’m not having a baby in this life. It’s taking this much time, only b’coz I have to be prepared for the role. She said she definitely sees a child in my life. I asked her if it’ll happen naturally or medically...She replied “how does it matter”..I had to agree. I’m thankful she said that to me.  

She said to start with being kind and good to myself. She said she sees a window of opportunity, from Feb for 6 months, for the change. I do not believe it blindly. But yet I’m excited and hopeful and looking forward to next year.

Finally I told her “Everyone says ‘Don’t stress’. How does one not stress? Personally, I have never felt that I have not had fun in my life or not indulged myself or like I have sacrificed a lot. How do I actively nurture myself?”     She refereed me to a few links on youtube in response.

   Honestly, I don’t think she could answer my Q. I guess it has to come from within. Therein is the challenge.  I don’t know how to do what I should be doing.. But we’ll give it a short!

Looking forward to what is to come.

Wish all of you a Merry Christmas, a Fabulous 2011 and a great Holiday Season!

The Never Ending Story!

12/1/2010

For a while I’ve known that I can’t pin down a date when the ivf story, well, our ivf story, began and now I’ve realized that it will probably be hard to call out one date as the end of our ivf story.

Should I consider the beginning as the end of Jan 2010, when we made a random appointment to let our gynec know that we are trying for a baby? She explained the steps about us trying for about 6 months and if we don’t succeed, getting infertility tests etc etc…I cried like a baby at that appointment, enough to shock the hubby and the doc...I guess my heart knew that there was trouble brewing?

    Or is the beginning May 7^th, when we went to the hospital to have our fertility tests run? Is that why I was so upset and snapping at V for no reason on my b’day. Did I see this coming?

    Or is the beginning, 2 days later, when we got our reports which conveyed what our hearts knew, that we indeed had fertility issues?

    Or the repeated test that confirmed the issue and so being referred to an ivf-specialist?

    Or seeing the new doc in June and hearing that our options were: Adoption or ivf or iui.

    Or when they repeated the tests at the end of Aug?

    Or when they confirmed that ivf is the best (only?) option for us in September?

    Or when I started the meds towards end of sep. with waits every now n then. With Nov being the most torturous month…endless injections up until Nov 16^th, which was the date of retrieval. Followed by:

       Bad news on the 17^th: We were told that only 6 of our 12 follicles yielded mature eggs and Only 3 of the 6 eggs fertilized

      Nov 18^th, more bad news: Only 2 of the 3 embryos survived, Grade D, didn’t look like we could expect a transfer. We are heart-broken.

      Nov 19^th…Feels like a miracle has occurred: 1 embryo survives. We transfer it into me.

       The dreaded wait. I don’t feel any symptoms except very occasional pain in the pelvic area, back & thighs and constant red blood spotting.

   Nov 27^th: 1^st HPT @ 9dp3dt – negative result

   Dec 1^st: Beta, Negative result confirmed.

N of course, at this point…we realize there is no end to this. That one can never be sure of the baby one has been hoping for until we get to hold him/her in our arms. N even then there’ll be the fear for him/her to be fine, to have no health issues. It’s going to be hard for us to be like one of the regular couples who enjoy and celebrate pregnancy. God knows when we will get pregnant and if it will stay for 40 weeks.

It scares me. Never, not in my worst nightmares, had I imagined that we would go thru this, n that too more than once. Guess, no one prepares for such stuff.

I’ve always believed that Everything Happens for the Best and for a good reason. I’m finding it hard to continue to have faith in such a belief. What possible good can come of this?

Last night I watched ‘Cnn heroes” hoping that it’ll remind me that I have plenty to be thankful for... But no, that thought didn’t occur to me… my thought was/is “what’s God thinking?”...Why does he trouble some people so much? Whereas people who have obviously wronged (I’m not saying I haven’t wronged…I just feel I and certain others haven’t wronged enough to be punished to the extent that we are) get away leading a great life, having a beautiful family, committing their sins and asking for forgivance(I know that’s not a word) only to commit the same sins again.

 I feel it’s unfair that so many irresponsible people across the world end up having babies, when they don’t even know how to take care of the li’l one. But we and couples like us, have to struggle so much. I mean why should God make us go thru’ this.

My ma has been onboard with all that’s happening so far. But I feel it’s unfair to put her thru’ this. Even though she is performing her role wonderfully and being such a source of encouragement for us and not sounding the least bit worried, at the end of the day she is a ma…she must be so concerned. To hear me sob on the phone must break her heart. So I guess I should stop telling her. It’s just that this journey is so lonely, with no one talk to,  no one to share your feelings with, no one to offer you kind words of encouragement and moral support. No one to tell you why you should hang on. But I should not make my parents go thru’ this, they don’t deserve this.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been thinking it if would be easier to ask God to take us away, instead of having to go thru this struggle.

God knows what’s in store for us. I feel silly to yet have hope, but I figure there is nothing else to hold on to at this point.

To My Unborn Child

5/20/10

Hmm I’m sure your thinking how crazy your ma must have been (and continues to be?) to write a note to a child that wasn’t even conceived yet, forget being born.

Well I hope that one day you get to read this letter and I’m able to laugh at everything that I cry about today and shake my head in disbelief that I thot this agony wasn’t something that I or your dad could live thru’.

So what’s all the fuss about? You wonder.  Well dear your taking forever to come. I don’t even know if you will come at this point and that is breaking my heart.

I want to let you know that Pa n I love you. Yes, the unborn you. We have craved for you and want you so badly that whoever you are and whatever you do, I’m sure we will love you. We may disagree and fight over certain choices you make in life, but all that is ‘coz we love you and want the best for you.

So darling, why are you taking forever to come to us? Is it ‘coz you don’t yet think that we will make good parents? Is it ‘coz you don’t think you’ll feel secure in my womb? Actually mabbe I know why…its coz I am so particular that I want a girl? Correct?